Being Alone

Have you ever noticed how some people can't stand to be alone? They are constantly surrounding themselves with people, even people they would just as soon not be around; just to keep from being alone. And I wonder...why is that? While I think being alone too much is never a good thing, there is certainly nothing wrong with being alone in and of itself.
Recently I watched the movie "Becoming Jane" about the life of Jane Austen and I found this to be a particularly inspiring movie in two ways. In this particular movie the love interest of Jane Austen (Anne Hathaway) is Tom Lefroy (James McAvoy); the love between them is genuine and certainly the kind of thing most people hope for..even long for. The tragedy being that there is a simple truth about life that was just as true then as it is now...money is a necessity. And life is dependent on having it, and the quality of your life is even more dependent on it. For life in the time of Jane Austen and for every woman who lived before her, it was simple, you married whomever had the most money. Women were not believed to have any brains at all and were typically never educated in anything except in the domestic arts. Jane Austen was educated and certainly had a mind of her own, but it was at a time where few women had ventured into the world of supporting themselves legitimately. Well, lets face it, the world hasn't changed all that much. Yes, women can go to school, they can even be CEO's of major corporations. But no matter how I look at the world, I still see women raising children and struggling to do so. I see women trying to support themselves in a world that still pays men more than it does women for the same work. And more and more I see men and sometimes women leaving their children and moving on to start new families with someone else. And there is never...enough money. I still see women, and sometimes men, SETTLING for the best person who is available....which brings me back to Becoming Jane. Somehow I found that aspect of her life and the times she lived in...STILL parallel to the lives of people today. I know in my own life years could go by, many years...and I would not find anyone I felt anything for. Not so much as a spark. Which isn't to say that there were not many men available, there was just no one I thought was any different than all the others. And most often I would grow weary of the "selection" I had available to me and finally SETTLE on someone having grown tired of always being alone. Now what about that is so different than just picking someone in Jane Austens day just because they had money? Frankly, I don't see much difference. And I know plenty of men who are with women, not because they have money..but because they were the best looking available woman at the time who could meet their "needs". And something about all of this....bothers me. Why do we settle?
Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in Soul Mates at all. I believe there are many people out there who are certainly suitable mates for each other on many levels. But I do believe that perfection and Prince or Princess Charming are complete MYTH.
I met a man once who was so perfect for me it was almost unbelievable. He was handsome and charming...rediculesly funny, passionate, sarcastic, strong willed and talented. And one of the best friends anyone could ever have. At the time that I met him, it was a bit dangerous for him to be around me...but that's another story. The point being, he took that on, and he remained in my life. And while he was perfect for me, the truth is, I wasn't perfect for him. And unfortunately it is not always enough to be the right person for someone, they have to be right for you as well. I had high ideals and morals...and his morals at the time were to say the least, questionable. And I'm smiling as I say that, because I didn't honestly care. He tried to convince me he didn't have a faithful bone in his body, and I knew he was right. And I think I'd have accepted that...then. Fortunately for me, he wasn't willing to be that way or allow me to accept it. I tried hating him for that..that didn't work either because on some level he did love me. Even if it was only because he knew I loved him and accepted him as he was. And so this person did something for me that taught me something that no one else could have. You don't Have to break someone's heart, you have a choice to be kind and loving and to tell them No..and to be their friend means to hold their heart until they are ready to give it to someone else. And without really knowing it, that is exactly what he did. I have loved other people since, for many reasons, but never as much as I did him for that reason. And twenty five years later, he is my friend and still holds a piece of my heart.
He also taught me that friends fight...seriously fight and it means nothing. Because the next time they need you at two a.m. and it means getting up in the middle of the night and flying to another state...you do it. You don't find many friends like that in life.
But...I've also seriously Settled at times in my life. And usually the ones you Settle FOR do more damage to your life than good because you usually figure out that you settled. You may try to convince your friends and family...but they will still be looking at you like you're nuts.
Because whether we like to admit it or not..our friends and family are usually right and they are also more objective than we are. They know us and they see all the red flags that we are ignoring because we want to believe we have found Mr./Miss Right.
I can look back at my life and see those red flags waving at me now. And wished I'd listened to them. I think we get into a habit of NOT listening to them and we have finally made so many mistakes we are afraid to move!
All I can say is....don't Settle. Never settle. Being alone is not a bad thing, and anyone who has ever done it for very long will tell you...they like it. You get to live life on your own terms all of the time. If anything you have to remember that someday if you ever do find the right person..you will have to learn to compromise again! And that's a small concession for the Right Person. I have to admit that at this point in my life I wish I'd given my girlfriends much more of my life. I wish we'd traveled more than we did and not spent so much time looking for Mr. Wonderful. In retrospect it seems like so much wasted time. The time spent with my Friends are the memories I cherish the most. Men come and go....your Friends and your Children are forever.

Abandonment

Abandonment....a universal human condition that happens to everyone at some time or another in their lives. I used to think in terms of the abandonment of a Mother and Child; when a Mother gives her child up for adoption. In writing my book and doing a great deal of research, it occurred to me that abandonment is truly a human condition that affects everyone. Fathers leave Mothers and in turn leave their children behind and move on to create new families and have more children. Mothers leave children with Fathers to raise and move on to someone else as well. The point is, people who love each other leave each other all the time. And all of these people have valid reasons of their own for doing so. Fathers often leave their children and sever contact of any kind in avoidance of paying child support. Women give up their babies because they are under-age, have no money or means of support and their parents do not wish to raise another child. Women get pregnant by people they want nothing to do with and therefore want nothing to do with the child. There are literally thousands of case scenarios for children being abandoned by a Primary Caretaker; and therein is the issue. A child who has, in no way, the capacity to understand the complexities of the human mind and spirit; much less the adult world, is incabable of knowing what happened to their life. A child only knows this; someone who loved them, whom they loved; is gone. As a parent we all know what it is to have to teach our baby that when we walk around a corner in our home, that we are not gone, and that we are coming right back. We spend a great deal of time teaching our kids this lesson. It is something all babies must learn. We gradually move it up to perhaps going to a movie for a couple of hours and leaving the child with a sitter, and we return and the child learns; oh, yes, they do Come Back! And then one day, one of them doesn’t. A child cannot understand that. They don’t know where you went or why you did not come back. The child can be a small baby and they will still know you left. Even they don’t remember, it will be obvious as they grow up, that this parent is missing. Even if that parent has been "replaced" with a Step-Parent, even a great Step-Parent. Somewhere in the back of the childs mind they are thinking...and thinking...and wondering....why?
And worse. Sometimes, and often, that the reason that parent left was because it was their fault. That they were flawed or broken in some way and that is why their parent left. Because they weren’t good enough or lovable enough for that person to Stay. Children are incapable of anything else and unless adults are aware of what happens in a childs mind, they are apt to say simple truths such as Daddy went away and he has a new home now. Rarely is a child told Why Daddy or Mommy went away, or that it is in no way that childs fault.
The child may spend years living a kind of dual life and being perfectly happy on the outside and feeling flawed and broken in their moments alone. They long and wait for the parent to return. They make up stories about the parents new life and how they will come for them someday and somehow validate the love they feel they feel they deserve. And sometimes that parent returns; but without explanation or the grand gesture the child expects, and they are disappointed once again. Or, they never come back at all.
The truth is that people are selfish, it is, another human condition that we all share in some degree or another. It’s iresponsibility to the children they have created, and sometimes...they just don’t care. It is the Adults responsibility to care for the child and it is the Adults failure when it does not happen. It has NOTHING to DO with the child AT ALL. It is truly a failure on the adults part and the child cannot see that, cannot fathom the possibility...it MUST be something THEY did. But it isn’t. These are lovely, loving little children. Perfect in their own right, and innocent of the world they came into. Their love is bright and pure, valid and forthright. And had not one thing to do with the failures abundant in the adult world. Adults are subject every human condition and possibility imaginable and this is simply a child cannot understand or comprehend.